Why this title? . . .well it all started some months ago, I have been going through a stage of insomnia . . . I will go to bed, sleep for about 4 hours and after these hours of sleep, I would wake up and never be able to sleep again until the morning hours. And it went on like that until I recently started to feel tired, pain in my lower back, headaches and a feeling state of lethargy. I was . . . and still is in an unhealthy mess.
On Monday, I finally decided that it was a necessity to go to a doctor, by then, I was so tired to do anything and I was always feeling sleepy in the afternoon . . . but crazy as it may seem, as soon as I will try to sleep a little bit, I was unable to fall asleep. I was afraid . . . I panicked, and I started to think that I had an incurable disease, and that soon I will die . . . well, I made a lot of dramas around the whole thing. I was sitting in the corridor of the cabinet of the doctor, and every time that I heard the door of the doctor that opened, my heart skipped and raced faster and faster. I was really afraid . . . I was not afraid of death itself, but it was much more . . . to die before my two kids.
It was finally my turn, I explained all of my symptoms to him. He made all the tests that needed to be done, and the verdict came . . . I was astonished, but relieved at the same time when the doctor told me that all the health problems that I was going through were due to ‘STRESS’—all of these sleepless nights, all of my tiredness, my state of lethargy, and as well as my back pains was due to stress factors! Right there I can tell you that I was in a WTF state.
I don’t want to fall again in this unhealthy state . . . going through these dark depressive zones of perpetual sadness and anger.
I couldn’t believe what I heard—for I was feeling great and happy again after some episodic years of depression, I had been able to bring some balance in my life after all of these unhappy situations that I have been through. I made it through all alone, I battled and I won against depression. And now these poisoning spades were bothering me again, and found a way to destroy everything that I have planned.
During these past days, I had to reflect on those things that might have affected my well being, I made a list of each and everyone of them, and when putting all these little minor problems together . . . well, it was a darn whole lot of troubles.
The fact that I am unable to manage my home life and my online troubles means that I can’t tackle many things at he same time . . . weak and fragile as a little branch that cracks at a simple violent wind. I think that it was way too much for me. I had to deal with household issues, I had to deal with my PC being again broken, my accounts being used as a scam and spam gateway, I had to deal with so much things at the same time. My conscious tricked me in feeling better, while my subconscious warned me that I had to STOP. And here I am, all stressed out . . . without even being able to stand for 15 minutes without being extremely tired.
So, I had to make a decision. I had to choose between my health, or the things that will continue to bring these invisible scratches towards me. Though I love blogging very much, I guess that it will be better if I reduce my time on my blog . . . It doesn’t mean that I will stop writing here, its just that I will slow down a little bit more by posting at random time and days. I think that I am too much online, and not enough in the real world . . . all of this because I hardheartedly thought that I could get a job online, and work from home. How silly I was. Everyone told me that it was impossible, but I saw something in here, and I was ready to defy everything so as to build something for me. I saw it, and I knew that I had to work very very hard . . . but if it’s at the cost of my health . . . then, no thank you. I will have to accept, and that’s the most difficult part of it all. But hey, it’s not like that I am giving it up all, just taking some time for me.
Right now, while writing this post, I already feel a little bit of relief.
So, from this day onward, there will be no schedule days when I will appear online, or even post something, like or comment. I will live like a leaf that is blown by the wind, without any thoughts to where the breeze will take me to. I will write, I will read, I will sometimes play games, I will try to find a course to attain to, be a bit more present outside, and above all—treat myself well and giving to myself all the love that I deserve.